


All I Want

by knightinwritingarmor



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-02
Updated: 2013-10-02
Packaged: 2017-12-28 04:53:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinwritingarmor/pseuds/knightinwritingarmor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard stood on the roof, looking at the alley and the city below.  He should be happy.  He had done his job, and now he would probably be promoted to the CIA or the FBI if he played his cards right.  This was a new beginning.  So why did it feel like his life had been torn away from him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Want

Leonard stood on the roof, looking at the alley and the city below.  He should be happy.  He had done his job, and now he would probably be promoted to the CIA or the FBI if he played his cards right.  This was a new beginning.  So why did it feel like his life had been torn away from him?

He wasn’t supposed to be compromised.  He had told himself over and over that James Tiberius Kirk was a criminal, and that being his lover was all a ploy to get the information they needed to take him in, dead or alive.  Leonard had not banked on what Jim would do to him.  He had gotten in Leonard’s head, had made him feel more alive than he had in years.  He had given him that stupid nickname, “Bones,” the day they had met.  Jim had brought Leonard into every facet of his life, and Leonard wasn’t sure if he’d be able to escape it.  Jim had become the sunshine in Leo’s dark life, and Leonard had become more reliant on this criminal than he ever should have.

His heart wasn’t supposed to leap when the door of the apartment opened.  He wasn’t supposed to rake Jim with his eyes, checking for injuries.  He wasn’t supposed to worry about Jim.  He was supposed to worry about the microphone by the records, listening to everything they said, he was supposed to worry about the gun Jim kept in the back of his jeans, and the bag of stolen money that was dropped hastily by the bed.  He was supposed to have priorities, and the criminal he was fooling was not one of them. 

He found himself unable to worry about anything, though, when Jim was on top of him, murmuring “Bones,” and kissing the breath out of him.  He tried not to think about the two detectives listening to what they were saying and doing in the building across the street.  Jim made it easy to forget, and Leonard was lost in the feeling of Jim beneath his fingers and the knowledge that this could be the last time they were together like this.

Leonard woke up in an empty bed the next morning.  He knew what he had to do, but that did not make the task any easier. 

He got quietly out of bed, and picked up the mirror on the bedside table.  Hating himself, he gave the signal to the detectives across the street that everything was ready.  He turned back to the room, and saw Jim looking at the pictures the men had taken of them both.  Cold fear drenched Leonard’s insides and he felt the color drain out of his face.  He knew Jim, he may even love Jim, but Jim was still a criminal on the run, desperate and willing to do anything to stay free.

“What are these, Bones?” Jim said, in a small voice that broke Leo’s heart, his fingers trailing over a photo of Leonard himself.

Leo’s voice caught in his throat, he wanted to say he had caught Jim, that the game was up, he wanted to say that he was sorry, that he didn’t really want to do this, he wanted to tell Jim that he loved him.

Jim was already running around the room, like a dog chasing its own tail.  He picked up three things: the bag full of money, his gun, and a picture of Leonard and himself that he kept in the desk.  He stuffed the gun into the back of his jeans, and headed straight for the door. 

Leonard grabbed the back of his shirt, and Jim whirled with a look that was insane rage mixed with undeniable betrayal.

“Get off me.  You’ve done your job, I’m sure they’re already on their way,” Jim snarled, unable to look at him, his blue eyes overbright.

“Jim-” Leo began, not sure what he was going to say.

“Don’t” Jim cut him off, “Tell me that you never cared.  Tell me that this wasn’t real.  Tell me that you never loved me.  It’s easier that way; I can forget about you if you say that.  I can convince myself that I fucked up by caring, but that I wouldn’t make that mistake again.  I can make sure that I never love the way I loved you again.”

Leonard’s hands were still knotted in Jim’s shirt.  He couldn’t say anything, nothing would make this better, and nothing would take away what he had done.  He felt Jim’s hands on his face and they were kissing.  Leonard was sure that they were the only two things in the universe at that moment.  The kiss was scorching, filled with anger and betrayal and lust, yet there was something deeper behind it, something that neither of them were sure they wanted to feel.

Jim pulled away then, and looked at Leonard dead in the eye and said,

“I love you, Leonard McCoy.”

“I love you, James Kirk.”

“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered, and clocked him right in the jaw.  Leonard spun with the impact, and by the time he had turned around, Jim was out the door.

He sprinted up to the roof, and saw Jim looking up at him from the alleyway.  Leonard heard the helicopter above him, and watched as one of the detectives rounded the corner of the alleyway, gun drawn, and shot his Jim in the back.

Jim’s eyes met his, and there was a silent message conveyed between them.  _I’m sorry.  I love you.  Forgive me._

Leonard watched Jim fall, and watched as his body was surrounded, and heard distantly someone call for a coroner.

He felt like he was some twisted angel, watching the proceedings with an almost detached air, even though part of him wished he could throw himself off the roof and be done with it.  He wished that he had never taken this stupid job, that he had never met Jim Kirk, that he had never fallen in love with him.  He looked up at the sky, and wondered if there was a Heaven, and if Jim was up there right now, looking down on him.  He would have said,

“Cheer up Bones!  Turn that frown upside down!”

And the light of his world was dead because of Leonard. 

His eyes filled with tears. 

It would be so easy to take one step and fall…

_It was never supposed to be this way._

**Author's Note:**

> So this AU popped into my head when I watched this music video by The Ivy Walls. The title comes from the song itself.  
> Here's a link to the video:  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2C6L3bZ3jk


End file.
